


Liberosis

by NiwaHanake



Category: Final Fantasy XIII Series, Final Fantasy XIII-2, Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII
Genre: Angst, Depression, Multi, Nightmares, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, chapters of varying lengths, destructive thoughts, self neglect
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-05-10 06:08:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5573744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NiwaHanake/pseuds/NiwaHanake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In between 500 AF and 1000 AF, in between the occurences of Final Fantasy XIII-2 and Lightning Returns, those who have witnessed the merging of Valhalla and Gran Pulse now live in the chaos-infused Nova Chrysalia, and while leading humanity along a hope-filled path, The hunter whom has worked so hard for this future feels he has failed his ultimate goal, is being haunted by his past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Exulansis

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was very impulsively written, I hope none of this collides with the storyline, because then my 4 research tabs and two replays of both games would have been in complete vain. I figured Noel's bitterness we see in Lightning Returns flourished after a really dark depression, which is something I really want to show... I think that both Snow and Hope woul try their best (in their own ways) to help him out of it as well, and that's pretty much how I began writing the first chapter. I have an idea for the next few chapters and hope to see you back soon~!  
> As for the very fancy words, I thank Tumblr for their random "Horoscopes and ____ " Posts as one of them contained many of the words I will use in this fic. 
> 
> Also this may be mildly amusing, while writing this I was very much reminded of a fanfiction by Ziggy Pasta way back in the day which I stuck to called Malady (Which is FF7 and yes you should read it if you like angstfics)

Hope Estheim and Noel Kreiss.  
Academia, 502 AF  
Hope’s apartment.

Academia is in a state of absolute prosper even in times where the Chaos of Valhalla has seeped into the human world, forming the realm of Nova Chrysalia , it’s become a city that never sleeps… whether that’s for the better or the worse… nobody knows. What was certain was that in all that chaos a small, peaceful cocoon remained, in the form of Director Hope Estheim’s home.   
Adam was complete, Bhunivelze floated in the sky… although not precisely perfect… And the white haired director had a day off for a change… or rather he’d taken one… 

He worried himself greatly over the state of a man he’d grown to call his best friend, Noel Kreiss. The now 20-year-old had collapsed in a state of depression after the loss of yet another dear friend of his… and the second seeress to be known to mankind, Serah Farron. Upon further observation, it seemed more like Noel was in a state of… Onism, and liberosis… And whenever he himself made an attempt to try and speak to Hope about his troubles… it resulted in him giving up trying to explain… Exulansis.

Although two years had passed, nobody could truly tell… After all, Chaos had flooded into the the world, the goddess Etro had gone.. Death had ceased… or rather.. natural death had ceased. The process of ageing had stopped in it’s entirety and no new children were being born… At the same time, death by injury or illness was still entirely possible and the world was seeing small rifts of chaos appear in the world, seeming much like the time paradoxes Hope was familiar with… No doubt they were trouble, therefore research had begun on the strange phenomenon, but it’d take years to complete… and even after that, what would be the best for humankind?

Hope couldn’t say the experience hadn’t been taxing on himself, but he felt much less emotionally and physically strained than the poor hunter he knew…. The silver haired sighed and sat up from the sofa he’d lied down on previously. putting down the report a subordinate created… “Always working huh?” Noel emerged from the shadows of the corridor. “Someone’s got to read them, right?” He said smiling softly at the man whom had finally come out of his room after about 70 hours, if he hadn’t come out to eat or drink when Hope was working.

Noel decided to sit down on a chair at the dining table, close to Hope’s sitting area. His current apartment rather resembled his house back in Palumpolum… though… of course, he’d have to go by memory. Memories that had only been a fraction of his age… Even though he hadn’t exactly been conscious through most of it, it had been over five-hundred years since he had last been home… since he last saw his parents… “Can I get you anything?” Hope asked, having already given up on actively getting him outside for some fresh air for even a single bite of food or an impulse from the outside world… The other shook his head. “No thanks…” He murmurred, his voice sounded rougher than usual, and upon inspection his eyes seemed puffy…. Hope, however, hadn’t given up on Noel completely “We.. We’re planning on evacuating everyone to the Bhunivelze… Nova Chrysalia has proven to be unsafe… Snow and Sazh… They seem more than eager to explore this world… We’re also gathering people to see what we can do to reverse the chaos’ effects…” He said, trying to show the other that mankind hasn’t lost it’s final battle just yet… It wasn’t over… there was hope… he merely had to see that, in order to push on. His announcement, however got a scoff… “Please don’t be like that, Noel…” He said and got a little closer to the other. “The world isn’t yet lost… We can still do something.” He said “Please, Noel... “

“And then what?! In the process of helping this world you’re going to sacrifice yourself too?!” He snapped, standing up and approaching the other in an intimidating fashion. “I am sick and tired of losing people I care about!” The white haired man could see tears well up in the other’s eyes again.   
“Noel… I… “ He began but couldn’t find the right words, understanding Noel’s utter frustration, having gone through so much in order to live in peace with friends and family, but fate needing to mess it up once more.   
“I have committed the ultimate sin… Killing Caius… and the goddess Etro… I couldn’t… protect anyone. Not Serah, not Yeul…. My friends…. My family… And now… all this is happening because of me.” He said and some tears began rolling down as his knees give into the floor again. Hope attempted to catch the poor, broken man, but he never had been the strongest of men and therefore knelt down with him. This pattern had been more than familiar with Hope, Sadly…   
“It’s alright, Noel… None of these things have been your fault…” He said holding the man tightly, A peculiar scent pierced his nasal cavity however. “Let’s get you a bath, alright?” He smiled softly and the sobbing brunet walked alongside him into the bathroom. The Brunet was sat down on top of the lidded toilet and Hope began running a bath for the other. 

He never had taken care of anyone but himself, but doing this for Noel… it felt so natural, something he simply had to do for a dear friend.. He hadn’t thought twice of taking him into his apartment, converting his office into a new bedroom, to try and make the man as at home as he could be. In the meantime he activated some cleaning bots to make sure that Noel came back into a clean room when he was to vanish into his quarters again. Having the other undress wasn’t exactly much of a problem, for as long as he’d been in his depression he’d been wearing nothing but his pants and with lack of a belt the piece of cloth tended to sack down on frequent occasion.   
“You should probably consider wearing a belt again.” Hope smiled a little at the other whilst taking the liberty of brushing his hair.   
“Probably.” another scoff. Of course, clothes were the least of Noel’s worries… 

After entrusting the other to bathe on his own, Hope turned on a light in Noel’s room, making sure everything was being taken care of as it should… and.. just to see how he was doing… He picked up Noel’s shirt from a chair which had unmistakably been subject to some violence… No doubt Noel’s frustrations needed some serious outlet…. Not this poor chair, which he actually found was standing at an angle now… Hope never really took the time to, but now that he could, he inspected the text embroidered on the back. “ Seeker of Miracles at History's End — Walker of the Realm Unseen” Well if that was the case then the world sure musn’t be in immediate danger… Seeker of Miracles… He sure was, Noel… So determined to never have his future happen to mankind, giving everything he had to protect what was most dear… Hope understood, it wasn’t fair… Others had to pay the ultimate price for what had been… a battle between gods. Or perhaps even… a single god’s game… 

Hope couldn’t afford to think in that way though, he had to stay strong for the sake of humankind… He had lead them towards preserving the world and advancing it as well as they could, it had been his life’s work….And it would continue to be that way until his last breath…   
Snapping out of thought, he folded the shirt up and put it on Noel’s desk. On which… he noticed drawings, as if a elementary school kid drew them, sure… but he could make out who they were…. Then, he noticed others… and the more he looked around the better he saw him become… or.. was it the other way around? Some faces he didn’t know… some faces he had learned to be the Seeress, Paddra Nsu Yeul, and her guardian Paddra Ballad Caius… Serah, as well…. others too. 

As he went through the drawings, Noel entered the room, and Hope was mildly startled. “I didn’t mean to pry--.” He began, Noel, however didn’t seem to care much, sitting down, his hair dripping wet, and again pants sagging off. “Every time I close my eyes… I see them… and I remember things… Or… imagine things…. I don’t know what is and isn’t real anymore… Every time I sleep I see their deaths before me… How I couldn’t save them… And the worst part is… is that I’m starting to forget them.. I’m starting to forget their faces…” He said. Though before Noel could go on to spite himself with that fact Hope had made him look into his eyes. “Noel. You’ve got to listen to me.” He began. Noel was downright descending into madness this way… he wouldn’t allow that to happen. “Don’t you think that I have deaths on my conscience as well? When I was fourteen, my mother died right in front of my eyes… And I couldn’t stop it from happening. Nobody could. But look at what I have done with your help… We’ve at the very least saved the world from being destroyed by Cocoon’s fall. Without you, this wouldn’t have happened, and millions of people wouldn’t have been alive right now… Families, Noel… And we will always need you, Maybe not to be the next director or anything, but at the very least to kick Snow’s ass when he’s trying to be a hero again.” he said earning some slight amusement from Noel. A small, genuine smile.   
“Right… “   
“I’ll always have trouble coping, so I won’t blame you if you do as well, don’t get me wrong… but you should look at the future, Noel… After all… you made sure there was one to even begin with.” He said trying to cheer him up. Noel freed his face from Hope’s grip and grimaced.   
“Yeah yeah, I get it… “ He sighed. Knowing that he should probably heed this advice…   
“You just… need more time?” Hope asked, hoping he’d truly helped Noel in a baby step to recovery.  
“Right… more time…”


	2. Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noel dwells deeper into his depression, Chaos starts happening.   
> it's a very short chapter.  
> I wanted to update but couldn't bear to write over 1000 words with life happening.

Noel Kreiss  
???  
502 AF

Surrounded by the ashen desert, Noel stepped through it with weary steps. He felt tired, broken, his heart nearly heavier than his feet. He was alone. Alone in the whole world. He sat down on a broken piece of wall as he recalled something like Childhood memories… They were vague, but still there. He remembered the way he looked at Caius the first time he met him, and the way he didn’t even acknowledge his existence…. The way Yeul looked when she was allowed to remain in the village, her genuine smile… and the way she smiled when she was told Noel, Yanny, Rigo and Natarle were her friends too….

He recalled the way Serah had pulled him out of that… eternal deam.. She said ‘he was happy in that dream’.... Was he?  
Was he happy seeing those he loved dearly leave him once again and embracing death as a fact? Looking back at it again… He was… It was against himself to take his own life… But death was something that he deep in his heart desired…   
He would never think of taking his own… but to expire his life was something that would happen eventually.. Or well… used to happen normally. Now the option of growing old a hermit was impossible… He wasn’t a weak man either, sickness wouldn’t take his soul into another plane of existence….   
The reaper was reluctant to take his soul, And Etro much like the former…. and he couldn’t protest, even though he so desperately wished for it. 

He woke. 

Cold sweat, warm enviroment. Hope’s place….   
He sat up and dissociated for a while; staring into blank space, processing what had happened in his dreams… 

He got up, and the first thing he noticed was the darkness out of the windows. More like… it wasn’t an exact darkness… it was a haze, a veil.. Huh… This had been the first time he saw something like this.  
He walked to the television unit and turned it on, the news appearing.  
“These Chaos readings have never been this high. We’re asking the director, Hope Estheim for an explanation.” The announcer said and Noel could read the mild, controlled panic in Hope’s eyes.   
“The Chaos can be potentially very dangerous, it distorts most if not all signals of any devices and distorts spacetime in some cases possibly causing monsters to appear, if readings are high enough, we advise you to stay in a zone where Chaos readings are relatively low, and wait until evacuation.” He spoke and not soon after that an Academy researcher Pulled Hope aside, apparently having to talk about something…

So… this world was being consumed as he was standing there…. It was unsafe… Evne mroe lives were likely at stake right now…   
Great.  
And who caused that?   
Absolutely marvelous. 

He sighed and walked back to his room, actually putting on his belt and shirt before the intercom begun making noise. He awnsered it, and two familiar faces got into the apartment.  
A blonde tower of a man and a dark skinned middle aged man.   
“Hey.” Snow begun, sounding more awkward than he intended  
“Hey.” Noel said in an apathetic tone.  
Their dynamic had gone through quite the rollercoaster in the past few years… and it wasn’t done quite yet. Noel looked at Snow, not in the eye, not anywhere on his face, just… at him.   
Straight at him. 

‘Perhaps if I provoke him enough he won’t regret killing me… after all I did cause his fiancee to die…’  
‘Or maybe I shouldn’t provoke him, but provoke Sazh instead… he can lose his cool too if played right, and gunshots kill quicker than being beaten to a pulp.’  
His thoughts were disrupted by a broken silence. Sazh more or less recapping what he had just heard on the news and Noel could already see what he was getting at.   
“I don’t think I can help…” He sounded more unsure of himself than he’d like to admit.  
“Of course you can, that’s exactly why we came here.” Snow defended.  
“I think he means he doesn’t wanna help.” Sazh translated.

A sigh.   
“Look, I’m not the right guy… And those people need you. They need you right now, go ahead. Go.” Noel began making his way to his room again.  
He didn’t listen to any more complaints as he got back into his room and locked himself in again. 

Shut up.  
Leave me alone. 

He found himself back on his bed, hiding his face under the pillows. 

 

It appeared Noel had dozed off for about an hour or so.   
There was no noise outside of his room.   
There was nobody in the apartment.   
Just a little Roomba-like cleaning bot running on it’s schedule. 

Looking out of the windows he could still see the chaos outside.  
“and distorts spacetime in some cases possibly causing monsters to appear, if readings are high enough, “   
It wasn’t suicide if he was killed by a monster…  
It wasn’t suicide to not fight back.   
He put on his shoes and walked outside, leaving the apartment door open. 

His weapons still remained there, at the foot of his bed, untouched.


End file.
